It’s not a matter of if, but when

Following on from 13 Best Places To Hideout in Essex During the Zombie Apocalypse by WaffleMag, we decided Southend needs its own zombie survival guide! Because, for us Southenders, I doubt we would have the luxury of public transport to take us to Colchester Castle for the sake of being awesome.

Notes for your Grandma

Not everybody knows what a zombie is, and why we should be avoiding them. In case your grandma has never watched any Romero (or turned on the TV at all in October), just make sure to mention these important titbits to her.

  • “Don’t get bitten. If you do, I’m sorry Grandma… We’re going to have to leave you behind.”
  • “Your slippers are not appropriate footwear for this occasion.”
  • “No, grandma, that’s not ketchup!”

 

But I’m sorry to have to tell you this… if things get really bad, she’s only going to slow you down. Just sit her down in front of the telly with a good pot of tea, tell her you love her and to stay put.

Where To Hide

Zombies in Southend

Southend Pier

You’ll probably find that for many of us, Southend Pier seems like the obvious choice. But things might get a little bit hairy when half the population of Southend-on-Sea come to join you there. The more people; the greater the risks…. On the plus side, if a horde of flesh eating zombies were creeping up the pier you could funnel them into a death trap, burn the middle of the pier and build a drawbridge contraption on your end. Ships and boats may just be the safest places to be, and by camping out on the pier you might come into luck with a big rescue ship. And don’t forget, while you’re waiting, you can fish for food or climb down for crabs and limpets, using the equipment at the RNLI Lifeboat station.

The Railway Hotel

Southend’s favourite (and only) vegan pub! You know what this means? Plenty of booze and you can cook up some food in the kitchen – with no risk of contaminated meat products! Then get upstairs and watch the Southend zombie outbreak unfurl from the top floor windows. Worst case scenario: zombies break in and you’ll be so drunk they’ll think you’re one of them.

“Go to Mum’s. Kill Phil. Grab Liz. Go to the Railway. Have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.”

The Royals or Victoria Shopping Centre

So you can re-enact the famous zombie invasion scenarios at the Royals shopping centre. Or the Victoria shopping centre! You decide. At Victoria, the toilets are nicer (sorry, Royals!) and you have the advantage of a Wilko downstairs that’ll do you for some DIY tools and odd bits and bobs for supplies. However, Royals is closer to the seafront and a bit out of the way of the main population of Southend (if only by a little), and will probably not be as crowded. Both shopping centres have a Boots, so you can maintain your hygiene and have access to medicines and first aid supplies.

Homebase

What’s the one place in Dead Rising that you just couldn’t survive without? The hardware store! All your DIY supplies in one place for you to fashion all sorts of weaponry. With chainsaws, axes and electric power tools at your disposal, you could do quite well. Not to mention the comfy bedding upstairs…

Old Leigh

Zombies aren’t known for their swimming abilities. (Even in Land of the Dead, all they did really was just walk underwater…) Once you’ve gathered enough supplies, you could just stock up a boat and sail a little way into the Thames Estuary. Think of the Thames Estuary as being a huge moat surrounding your little floating fort.

Alexander house

Alexander House (the H M Revenue & Customs building next to Southend Victoria) is the tallest building in Southend standing at 207ft with 16 floors. They do say in case of a zombie apocalypse to get yourself to the highest point, and if you can get to the top floor of Alexander House you probably will stand more chance of survival if you have enough supplies too.

Garon Park, Little Wakering, etc…

The dense population of Southend-on-Sea means that the town centre is going to be a hot bed for zombie activity during those first few weeks. Whereas rural areas out in the middle of nowhere with not many residents could take weeks, if not months, for the outbreak to spread and the undead to make their way out of Southend. This gives you more time to prepare! Garon Park might not be the hilly countryside best suited to hiding from zombies, but it’s got to be worth a shot if you have a caravan or a friend out in Little Wakering.

Where To Loot

Southend High Street Zombies

Supplies should be your first priority. So as soon as you’ve figured out where you’re going to set up base, you need to know where you can stock up your supplies. And, when it comes to surviving the zombie apocalypse in Southend, cost isn’t an issue. Just take what you need and don’t be wasteful… Prepare yourself for the ultimate trolley dash as you loot Southend high street (sorry, Southend high street, but it’s an emergency).

Food

If you’re lucky enough to live near an Aldi or Lidl, you have canned food for days! Grab a trolley and stock up! Water is also an important issue, and you can’t trust any running water sources that could be tainted. If you can, grab big bottles of water! But big supermarkets can get quite competitive. So you might have better luck looting the smaller businesses, and not get attacked for your supplies on your way out.

Weaponry

Acquire (somehow) a stun gun. Probably a lot easier to find than a gun gun. Also, DIY and hardware stores like Homebase in town are great places to loot materials for making your own weapons. If you’re on the seafront, all those cute little seaside gift shops tend to sell a wide variety of different weapons. Swords, nunchucks, katanas, machetes…. The air rifles and pistols might look menacing, but you’d be wasting your time with them against a zombie.

Clothing

The Army & Navy Store on London Road is your best best if you can get to it. All that durable industrial and military clothing is going to be a lot safer for you than anything you could get in Primark. You’d feel pretty stupid if you got infected from a tiny little zombie scratch on your arm. And you can stuff your pockets with pocket knives and multi-tools while you’re there!

Books

You can’t just hide and wait in fear of zombies tearing you limb from limb… You have to chill out sometime! But you also can’t rely on an internet connection being available or even electricity for that matter. So why not grab a few good books to read in your spare time! Because it could take months before this whole thing blows over… and otherwise you’re going to die of boredom before any zombies even get within reach of you. So don’t forget to loot Waterstones or The Forum central library off Southend high street. Your sanity will thank me later…

What would YOU do in the event of a zombie apocalypse?

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